Look out for the slight intake of breath accompanied by an almost imperceptible disbelieving shake of the head Then the slow downward look, followed by a sigh and the glance to the left or or a glance to the right right and maybe a light touch to the forehead or eye. The correct way to execute the entire manoeuvre is in total silence. End with another slight shake of the head and about five seconds’-worth of rapid blinking.
However, for maximum points, a bit of glycerine on the finger-tip will produce a tear. If you can manage that – you cannot fail.
Yes, it’s the politicians’ Tear Timewarp and it’s a guaranteed VOTE WINNER !!
Blair had a “go” during his Chilcot Inquiry “grilling” (actually it was more of a slow roast with the oven turned off). Alastair Campbell nearly went all the way when being interviewed by Gargoyle Marr. Unfortunately, being a Northerner, he couldn’t manage the crying bit, so instead, he just ended-up looking as if he’d forgotten to take his ExLax.
There is a rumour that Gordon Brown will be doing the Full Monty this weekend. No, not like that. He will be delivering the full Politico Tear Timewarp to Piers Morgan. It’s already been taped and apparently, it’s a good one.
If Brown’s performance scores him a few extra points in the opinion polls, David Cameron will be the next in line and then the floodgates will really be open. This will be the Wet Election – in more ways than one.
Mind you, squeezing-out the odd tear should not be too difficult. There are all sorts of topics guaranteed to reduce the most heartless bastard to tears. Here are a few of my favourite things – you know the tune:
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright wooden coffins being brought back to Britain
Black plastic body bags, mourners sing
These are a few of my favorite things
Flag-covered boxes and a post-playing bugle
Processions and flowers and a war so llegal
Airplanes that fly-in with blood on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things
You see, there so many things around to provide our politicians with much-needed inspiration. That’s without even having to think about what reduces us, the voters to shoulder-wracked sobbers: The economy, the violence, thieving MPs, charity records, Simon Cowell – not to mention the rapidly diminishing choice that the electorate will have when the time comes to choose a decent government.
I’m welling up again……Just a glance to the left…..
Here’s something really “puketastic” as a warning (answers on a postcard, please):

and here’s the real thing:













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