‘Culture’ Archives
Lie of the Tiger
"Hole in one" Tiger Woods has apologised publicly in a heartfelt, sincere, genuine and earnest press conference written by his public relations company. The Act of Contrition took place before family, friends and a hand-picked audience. Tiger's words have now gone to the world through The Holy White Forest of Satellite Dishes and have displaced all major tragedies and wars from the headlines. Presumably, his performance will have been followed by him getting a few holes in. Sorry, [...]
In praise of Alcohol
Alcohol has not only become an occasional part of our lives but it has evolved into one of the strongest influences on our civilisation. As Homer Simpson said in his famous toast: ” To alcohol. the cause-of and solution-to all of life’s problems.” Alcohol has always oiled the wheels of our business, commercial, spiritual, political and social lives - and continues to do so. It can be harmless but it is also very addictive. “Alcoholism is a disease” is an oft-used phrase. It is [...]
Ricky “Tumbleweed” Gervais
The 2010 Golden Globes gave Ricky "Tumbleweed" Gervais the opportunity to disprove one of the basic laws of life: "Throw enough shit at a wall and some of it is bound to stick." None of it stuck. I have always believed that the sweaty-Womble-lookalike Gervais has perpetrated the longest and most successful con-trick that showbusiness has ever seen. His series "The Office" was quite funny in parts but although it "starred" Gervais, it is the genius of Stephen Merchant which made the series [...]
You want Fame?
I am looking for one person who wishes to take part in an unusual experiment. One of my businesses is a Public Relations company. We normally only take-on projects which are guaranteed to make money but this particular proposed project is more of a bet than a revenue-generating idea. We believe that ANYONE can be made "famous" or "well-known", even if they have never achieved anything particularly mind-blowing. We are looking for a volunteer who would like his or her name out there but it [...]
Twenty-one 2010 predictions
On 15th May 2008, I predicted the nationalisation of British Banks. On 20th April 2009, I predicted that by the end of the year the FTSE 100 would fall to below 2500. On 3rd November 2009, I predicted the collapse of the dollar and of the pound-sterling The first prediction has come to pass - in all but name. The third prediction is about to come true. The FTSE 100 prediction of 2500 was out by a factor of over 100% - so what happened? Quantitative Easing is what happened. Very [...]
Experts? You’re f*****g joking!
There is a class of individual in politics, industry and commerce to whom people turn when they do not have the answers and that is the ubiquitous "expert". The experts are the "shamen" of our economy and judging by past results - just as successful. The experts are the ones who either predict global warming or perhaps another ice-age. They predict economic growth and economic catastrophe - sometimes simultaneously. The recent Copenhagen Conference of Global Warming had more experts [...]
Vomito ergo sum
" If you feel something hairy in your mouth, followed by your underpants - swallow it all quickly." This is not the first time that I have written about the rather eccentric attitude that the Brits have towards alcohol. The capacity for alcohol, as in "He can really take it" or "She's got hollow legs" is widely misunderstood. If you are a very healthy and fit person, your capacity for alcohol is quite low and the effects multiply. [...]
Gobbledygook awards
Congratulations.The Plain English Campaign has awarded the Golden Bull to the following (translations are provided in brackets): Peter Mandelson: Perhaps we need not more people looking round more corners but the same people looking round more corners more thoroughly to avoid the small things detracting from the big things the Prime Minister is getting right. (MPs need better scrutiny - not more scrutiny) The Department of Health: Primary prevention includes health promotion and requires [...]
Warning No.2
PLEASE FORWARD THIS WARNING ! You should be alert during the next few days. Do not open any message with an attachment entitled 'POSTCARD FROM HALLMARK' , regardless of who sent it to you. It is a virus which opens A POSTCARD IMAGE, which 'burns'the whole hard disc C of your computer. This virus will be received from someone who has your e-mail address inhis/her contact list. This is the reason why you need to send this e-mailto all your contacts. It is better to receive this message [...]
WARNING
Just is case you haven't heard. Be careful when shopping on line. So far, over 1200 fake sites have been closed-down. Most of them look English but are based in Asia. They sell decent-looking goods very cheaply. If you order something, you will either receive nothing or counterfeit and your Credit Card may be ripped off. Favourites are anything with a designer label or electrical and electronic goods. Remember, if it looks too good to be true - it is.
Office Christmas Party – Survival tips.
" Sex is like snow. You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last." More promising careers have been ruined during the Office Christmas Party than at any other time. If your company provides a free bar then be doubly careful. Drink as little as possible. Leave getting plastered at the office bash to the spotty office junior. He is the one who drinks to get pissed as quickly as possible and is after a good time. You are not there to have a good time. You can [...]
Forget Exercise.
Has there ever been a less edifying sight than a purple-faced executive in over-tight shorts and headband staggering around a squash court - pausing only to puke occasionally and get his pulse rate back to below 200? Well the good news this morning is that scientists have shown that exercise can be a health risk to the middle-aged. Something that I have suspected for a very long time. I have always argued that super-fitness is a very unnatural state. It is not 45bbp super-active [...]
X-factor Stung
His Stingness Sting has not been invited to perform on X-factor, so he has spoken because he doesn't approve of the programme, although he obviously watches. He said "I am sorry but none of those kids are going to go anywhere, and I say that sadly." Sting should know what he is talking about - after all, he has notched up 11 Grammys, two Brits, a Golden Globe, an Emmy and three Oscar nominations. The ageing rocker demonstrated more insight with the observation that contestants are [...]
Otto Dix
Otto Dix was one of the great impressionist painters of the 20th Century and yet his work is often missing from the curriculum. He was German and his work was hated by the Nazis and designated Entartete Kunst (degenerate art). In 1937, the Nazis held an exhibition of degenerate art. The exhibition included some of Dix's most celebrated paintings, including The Trench and War cripples. The paintings were exhibited in several other German galleries and later burned. Dix is most famous for [...]
Billy the Skid
BILLY "THE SKID" Many years ago, I used to live in Antibes which is in the Midi region of France - between Cannes and Nice. One day, I was on a yacht in the harbour and happened to look across at the boat next door. A man appeared to be drilling a hole in his leg. I shouted to him, asking whether he was all right. He was an Irish shipwright and had been cutting wooden plugs to glue into the deck of the boat that he was working-on. He'd just run out of wood and as he needed only one more [...]
Tried “Hotlegging”?
EVEN SOLDIERS PISS ON MONUMENTS Give pees a chance Pissing in public has always been a great student sport. Shop doorways, car parks, lifts, telephone boxes, graveyards and many other quiet venues have had their fair share. The secret is to do it discreetly and quickly. However Philip Laing, a 19-year-old student not only urinated over a poppy-wreath which happened to be on a war memorial but he was photographed doing it. His mum must be so proud - especially as the photo was [...]
Freaked Out Over SuperFreakonomics
The following article appeared in the Wall Street Journal on 27th October 2009. It is reproduced here with the kind permission of the author Brett Stephens. Brett writes the Journal's "Global View" column on foreign affairs, which runs every Tuesday in the U.S. and is also published in the European and Asian editions of the paper. In 2004, Brett was named a Young Global Leader by the World Economic Forum, where he is also a media fellow. (more...)
Back to the Future (again)
There is potentially great news in the banking sector- and about time. The government is to create three new bank chains by selling-off divisions of RBS, Lloyds and Northern Rock. By 2015, our High Streets may once again see old and trusted brands such as the Trustee Savings Bank, Williams & Glyns and Cheltenham & Gloucester. Could this be the best thing that this government has done? It looks like it - but once again, the new policy looks contrary to what Gordon Brown was saying only [...]
Joint-up Government
Two executives at the Royal Bank of Scotland have been suspended after alleged corruption at its overseas mortgage operation. The bankers were allegedly asking foreign estate agents for payments worth tens of thousands of pounds in return for referring customers. Many of the suspected practices have taken place within the last 12 months and since the government bail-out. (more...)
Naughty pirates
DANGER-POLITICIANS NEGOTIATING Who said this? "Piracy and the taking of hostages is unacceptable in any circumstances. We call on those people who have taken the British citizens hostage to release them as soon as possible. They should abide by international law." Those Somali pirates must be really crapping themselves now that Gordon Brown has told them that they should "abide by international law". Gordon, you muppet - these are pirates and NOT abiding by the law is not-only implicit [...]
Didn’t he do well?
" Oh F*** it!" Quite a lot has already been written about the Nimrod crash which killed 14 crew. Charles Haddon-Cave QC who led the enquiry said that the crash happened because because "defence chiefs put cost cuts before safety". He also referred to "a systemic breach of Covenant brought about by significant failures on the part of all those involved." and "a story of incompetence, complacency and cynicism" Mr Haddon-Cave's comments will hopefully be recycled as fitting [...]
Cherie Antoinette.
"Let them eat a lorra lorra cake, chuck." Tony Blair has not yet broken cover and declared an interest in becoming President of Europe. The post will be created once the Czechs have ratified the Treaty of Lisbon. Gordon Brown has made a decision (!) and declared that he will be lobbying on Blair's behalf, should Blair decide to put his name forward. (more...)
A grapple for the teacher
"2+2=5" The Internet compensation society is in danger of destroying the education system. Too-aware pupils know that they have the upper hand over their very vulnerable teachers. More than a quarter of school staff (28%) have had a false allegation made against them by a pupil, according to a survey. (more...)
BNP or not BNP
President Obama has sent John Kerry over to Afghanistan to smack the back of president Hamid Karzai's legs. It appears that the last Afghan election was conducted fraudulently. As a result it would appear that Karzai does not have the minimum 50% of the vote that confirmed him as the rightful winner. The needlessly macho-named Operation Panther's Claw was a waste of time - although it was never clear how a bunch of soldiers (including 10 dead Brits) could make an election "fair" because the [...]
Postman Prat
Royal Mail is going to hire 30,000 workers to "help" during the impending strike. Usually the Post Office hires only an additional 15,000 staff for the Christmas rush. Let us hope that this blatantly provocative gesture by the Royal Mail management does not backfire. Let us also hope that in their haste, they do not forget to run proper background checks on the people that they hire and so keep the number of thieves and terrorists to a minimum. Expensive temporary labour plus the millions in [...]
That was the week….
"Aren't you one of those Fuzzy-Wuzzies that we've been hearing about?" "Actually, I'm the Mayor of London." "Sorry, Doris." Diwali was celebrated at Downing Street . Members of the Hindu, Sikh, Jain and Buddhist communities were invited to Downing Street to celebrate Diwali, known as the Festival of Lights, which promotes messages of hope and togetherness. Let us hope that the most important Christian Festival is also celebrated and acknowledged by the Prime Minister. Mind you, by next [...]
Friday October 2nd 2009
Ethiopia has suddenly become the focus for all anthropologists. An ancient skeleton was found in 1992 and it has taken 17 years for the research team to rebuild it. Why all the excitement? The skeleton belongs to an in-between species of humanoid about 4.4 million years old. It has been designated Ardipithecus Ramidus. It is not “the missing link” but by extrapolation, it appears that it is probably about 9 million years since the division between apes and humans. So where was John [...]
Thursday October 1st 2009
A survey has just been published of the world's top Broadband Countries - taking into account speed etc. The United Kingdom is languishing in 25th place. The top country? South Korea. Is this another indicator of the rise of the East and the slow eclipse of the West?. The Daily Mirror has adjusted its reportage of the Tories today - presumably in response to the Sun's decision to back the Tories. It's going to be a right mess leading up to the election. The gloves are off [...]
Wednesday September 30th 2009
So the Sun will not be supporting the Labour Party. No real problems there, except the usual one. Why should an Australian like Rupert Murdoch have any say in which newspaper supports which Party. The Sun is read largely by the drooling classes who are very susceptible but regrettably, there is very little that can be done. The Sun’s sister paper , the News of the World, no doubt is poised with some salacious Labour politician scandal ready-to-go. The Sun will not just be [...]
Tuesday September 29th 2009
Interesting statistic which doesn’t appear to be receiving the publicity that it deserves: In the United States, a house is foreclosed or repossessed every 7.5 seconds. As usual, the politicians are taking care of business at the macro-level, while the grass-roots are burning. It is an excellent idea for Gordon Brown to take-on the other two Party leaders in televised debates. Any future Conservative or Liberal vote should be a “pro” Conservative or Liberal vote and not an [...]
Monday September 28th 2009
Excellent headline grabbing by that jug-eared gargoyle Andrew Marr. He is without doubt a supreme journalist but his questioning of Gordon Brown yesterday was inexcusable. Suggesting that Brown needs prescription drugs to get through the day, followed by Brown’s admission that he has trouble with his eyesight was a direction that no journalist should steer. There is a real danger that if the Tory Press goes down the ” Brown’s a sick man and therefore unfit for office” route, there [...]
Sunday September 27th 2009
Just down the road in Brighton THEY are arriving for the Labour Party Conference - or should that be the New Labour Party Conference. Did we elect Labour or NEW LABOUR? Anyway, that’s now just a technicality or a long-forgotten dream of how things could or might have been. Here’s a Labour FACT, given to me by a friend who used to be Chief Barman at the Grand Hotel. More Champagne is consumed at the Labour Party Conference than at all other conferences and he told me stories of vintage [...]
Saturday September 26th 2009
The American Fed has issued the following statement: “To provide support to mortgage lending and housing markets, and to improve overall conditions in private credit markets, the Federal Reserve will purchase a total of $1.25 trillion of agency mortgage-backed securities and up to $200 billion of agency debt.” Now we can watch the demise of the once-mighty American Dollar. Fund Managers and Investors will now start dumping dollars like confetti. A TRILLION is a million millions [...]
Friday September 25th 2009
Friday September 25th 2009 The mole who leaked the MPs’ expenses information to the Daily Telegraph has revealed what motivated him to do so - apart that is, from the £110,000 fee that he was paid. It now appears that his primary motivation was not money but the fact that serving soldiers were “moonlighting” at the House of Commons. They were working in the Security department and protecting the Civil Servants who were dealing with confidential matters - one of which was [...]
Thursday September 24th 2009
The Government has criticised the Football Association for not reforming itself. It has also asked the F.A to spend more time and resources on ethnics and women as well as telling them that they should provide better leadership. Perhaps when the F.A has completed its restructuring it can then give H.M Government a few tips. Talk about Pot-Kettle. A recent U.S survey shows that many Americans think that Tony Blair is the British Prime Minister. Someone ought to tell them who the real UK [...]
Wednesday September 23rd 2009
Apparently, there is a small but statistically significant rise in patient deaths when junior doctors start work in August. Perhaps the same survey should be done with slightly different parameters: Before pubs open and after closing time. A friend sent me a cartoon yesterday which, for the first time, explained the constant Midde East conflict . Jewish man looking up at the sky saying, “Now, let me get this straight God. The Arabs get the oil and you want us to cut the end off [...]
Tuesday September 22nd 2009
Did you see Darth Mandelson being questioned on the subject of bankers’ bonuses last night? As Business Secretary, he has the power to stop the bankers in their tracks. But he cannot and he would not answer any bonus-related questions. General Stanley McChrystal, the top US commander in Afghanistan has warned that the war there could be lost unless there is an increase in troops within a year. He is asking for an additional 30,000 troops. This is truly developing into another [...]
Monday September 21st 2009
It now appears that Womens World 800m champion Caster Semenya was tested ages ago and there has been concern over her sex for months. The issue did not suddenly materialise at the last Word Championships. The whole thing has been handed so badly that there is every likelihood of IAAF resignations. Baroness Scotland will probably resign this week. If every politician who made a mistake resigned, Westminster would be empty by now. It looks as if Megrahi is going to be the first [...]
Monday September 7th 2009-Friday September 18th 2009
Friday September 18th 2009 There has been some concern that Romell Broom may have suffered mental anguish when two Ohio State officials failed to find a vein in order to deliver a fatal injection. According to Broom’s lawyer, Broom had suffered both “mental and physical injuries” and apparently became distressed and appeared to cry. Broom was convicted of raping and then killing a 14 year-old girl. We’re too fat, we drink too much alcohol, we’re unfit, we ingest female [...]
Dope, Faith and Clarity
The British Government has spent a great deal of time classifying and reclassifying cannabis. Some argue that it is less harmful than alcohol, whereas others scream that it is the chosen smoke of Satan's junkie whore. (more...)
It’s not WHAT you know………
A report was published today which suggests that the best jobs go to the best-connected children and that job distribution is more-or-less governed by the British class system. So what? (more...)
A story for our times
Three eminent gentlemen were on the 18th green -just about to complete an afternoon of golf. There was an eminent architect, an eminent surgeon and their Member of Parliament. The men were accompanied by their dogs. They had named their dogs after the tools of their trade: Sliderule, Scalpel and Bullshit. The architect said to the other two, " Watch this!" as he called his dog. " Sliderule! Go boy!" Sliderule was a solid Black Labrador and he spent a few minutes rummaging in the [...]
Those damned rules!
Elliot Morley MP did not "made a mistake" when he fraudulently claimed £800 per month for a non-existent mortgage. Likewise, Andrew MacKay MP and his wife and fellow MP, Julie Kirkbride knew exactly what they were doing when they were claiming for two "second homes". Two Labour Lords have allegedly been exposed as a couple of crooks who were willing to take cash in exchange for altering Laws. Again, these were not mistakes. The "It was within the Rules" mantra is no longer being trotted out [...]
G20 bender
These are the wines that were served up to the G20 delegates. The total bill for the wine was a bargain £6000 which is a small fraction of the total wining and dining bill which was approximately £500,000. Perhaps the taxpayer should be grateful. Here is the list: Château Pichon Longueville Comtesse de Lalande 1986 - 19 bottles @ £140 per bottle. Château Leoville Poyferré 1989 - 29 bottles @ £60 per bottle. Concha Y Toro Merlot Sunrise 2006 - 11 bottles @ £6 per bottle Domaine de [...]
Hillsborough 1989-2009
Brian Reade of the Dail Mirror has created a tribute to the victims of the Hillsborough disaster and it was distributed with the paper on 15th April 2009 - the 20th anniversary of one of the darkest days. I had several attempts at reading Brian's very moving piece. Every time I tried to have a run at it, the tears seemed to get in the way but I persevered - not as a Liverpool or Nottingham Forest fan and not because I was there but because I love football. All who love football share an [...]
The Brown Delusion
"Now down again. Slowly." The G20 conference was the most orchestrated, pre-determined piece of theatre that we have had the privilege of seeing since the 1968 Morecambe and Wise Christmas Show. The primary motivators were to somehow please the banks, instill confidence in both the markets and the voting public and lift Gordon Brown's approval rating. The three main devices used were the over-wide smile , the already well-tried method of "let's throw more money at it" and a long [...]
Home Sexretary
What a laugh - Jacqui Smith's husband has been watching porn movies at the taxpayer's expense!!!! The red-tops are in a frenzy and poor Jacqui is both angry and embarrassed and there have been the usual mutterings of "We will of course pay it back." "Schadenfreude" was invented for this situation. The fact is that the type of film that he has been watching is irrelevant. The real argument is about MP's expenses. How many of us have never watched a porn movie? Admittedly, the fact that [...]
Bear necessity.
We have entered a long-term bear market and equity prices are heading towards Ground Zero. All that Governments have managed to achieve so far, is to delay the decline. The currently established pattern is very simple - investors wait and see what the government is going to do. Then there's a short Stock Market rally. That is usually followed by another business admitting losses, bad debts or a cash shortage and shares move down again. Then the cycle is repeated. The whole [...]
A very dangerous precedent.
"Sit on this and swivel , you bastards" Let's get one thing straight - when an Executive is hired by a Board, a contract is signed. That contract will contain information about remuneration, bonuses, pension contributions and a hundred other things that cannot be settled by a handshake. Sir Fred Goodwin will have agreed such a contract with the Board of the Royal Bank of Scotland. Furthermore, the shareholders will have ratified all pensions contributions for his benefit and that [...]
How to…………….
There has always been an insatiable craving for advice on quick fixes to situations which we encounter in our daily lives. There is no other explanation for the ever-accelerating sales of “How to...'' books. The very first in the field was Dale Carnegie’s “How to win friends and influence people”. The demand for Benjamin Spock's tome on baby care – a sort of baby Haynes Manual - sold millions. There was even a book called “How to succeed in business without really [...]
