‘Training’ Archives
Praise is the Motivation.
I published the story below about a year ago but make no apologies for repeating it: Three eminent gentlemen were on the 18th green -just about to complete an afternoon of golf. There was an eminent architect, an eminent surgeon and their Member of Parliament. The men were accompanied by their dogs. The architect said to the other two, " Watch this!" as he called his dog. " Sliderule! Here boy! Sliderule! Go boy!" Sliderule was a solid Black Labrador and he spent a few [...]
Bad Management
"Can I please have that pay rise?" Last week The National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence said the cost of work-related mental illness was £28bn - a quarter of the UK's total sick bill. Today, the Chartered Institute of Management says that it is launching a campaign to improve standards among bosses because 49% of UK workers say they have left a job because of bad management. The Institute of Management also says that bad managers were the single biggest cause of [...]
A grapple for the teacher
"2+2=5" The Internet compensation society is in danger of destroying the education system. Too-aware pupils know that they have the upper hand over their very vulnerable teachers. More than a quarter of school staff (28%) have had a false allegation made against them by a pupil, according to a survey. (more...)
Spelthorne? Moorlands?
David Witshire MP David Wiltshire, Conservative Member of Parliament for Spelthorne will be sitting outside the headmaster's study this morning. (more...)
It’s not WHAT you know………
A report was published today which suggests that the best jobs go to the best-connected children and that job distribution is more-or-less governed by the British class system. So what? (more...)
A Wamk in the Park.
This is from our occasional series on Magagement Bullshit. There are occasions when the message that you have received is obviously wrong but you are not sure quite what the sender meant. For instance, the five-word title to this article is a texting-error about a walk in the park. The full message was: "Thought a lot about you last night and then had a long wamk in the park." Below is a list of the 20 most common corporate lies but as the message is not always [...]
Leadershi*
"I'll let go of yours if you let go of mine" There is much talk about Gordon Brown's failure as a leader - or more accurately, his widely perceived failure. Let’s look at other leader-failures and see what they had in common. Napoleon in Russia, Haig and the British General Staff in WW1, Hitler in Stalingrad in WW2, Margaret Thatcher in early 90s. There are many more but this is what they all shared: They were unable or unwilling to adapt to new circumstances. They [...]
The Stochastic Process and the Delayed Risky Zero.
"Psst....fancy any Credit Derivatives?..." iTraxx is a brand-name and it refers to a family of credit swap index products. There is also a US credit index called the CDX. These types of investments are very technical and speculative. The dealing and computations are carried out by very specialised investment"geeks" who tend to be mathematicians rather than the usual Delboy barrow-boy types who trade stocks. We mention this because there appears to have been another casualty. This time the [...]
Office Politics 8 – The Boss Part 2
A junior from the accounts department sends your Expense Claim form back to you with a note indicating the discrepancy of 1p between the Happy Eater invoice that you submitted and your claim . His rather supercilious memo indicates that the appropriate adjustment should be made and the form resubmitted. You change the entry on the Claim form and then resubmit it. It comes back another week later accompanied by a memo from the same accounts junior saying that you omitted to enclose [...]
Office Politics 7 – The Boss
Your progress as an office politician is dependant on how you get on with the people around you. Unfortunately, no matter how popular you are with them, their contribution to your blitz through the organisation is small compared to the leg-up that you can be given by your Boss. “ God created man in his own image” has been true for several thousand years now and it certainly applies to how individuals are chosen by managers. Therefore, if your Boss is a tosser and [...]
Office Politics 6 The first day
Congratulations, you got it. Legally people can get rid of you with in the first few months without even a verbal warning, so continue to behave yourself for at least that long . The first day is crucial. You are now creating a first impression. At this very first appearance no actual work is required but let that not make you too complacent. You are still being observed and assessed but this time it is by your workmates. You want to appear modest, friendly and a team player. How do [...]
Questions for Fatsos.
SPYGUN HAS ADOPTED A SYMPATHETIC APPROACH TO FAT PEOPLE. Not so long ago, I walked into our local school playground. The sight that battered my eyeballs made me think that I had blundered into an arse-growing competition where there were no losers. There also appeared to be a gut growing competition in the corner. Many easily qualified for both competitions. Sadly, these were adults in their 20s and 30s waiting to pick up their young children. If you are a fat bastard of either sex (or [...]
Making big bucks Recipes 1.”Shorting”
There are several thing you will need: A Blackberry, red braces, a liking for claret, Gordon Gekko's temperament and a friendly regulator. The recipe: Look in your client portfolio and find a client with lots of bank shares. "Borrow" 100,000 shares at £10 each and find a buyer. Sell the shares for £1,000,000. Start a rumour that the Bank shares are soon to go down the toilet. Wait a bit. Until the share price has dropped to say £5. Buy the 100,000 shares back at [...]
Moron than I can say.
The average footballer has the brain of an isopod, the social graces of an Albanian peasant, the communication skills of a special needs student and the vocabulary of a 13 year-old asbotic. That could pose a problem for his manager. Luckily, most managers come from the same background so they can communicate with their man by drooling, shouting and grunting until there is a glimmer, followed (eventually) by a mutual understanding. If you listen carefully to a radio or TV [...]
A Winter’s Sale
We have imported many things from the United States - some good and some not so good. One of the most popular American business activities which we seemed to embrace in the 1950s and which is only now dying out, is "cold-calling". Remember the old encyclopaedia and vacuum cleaner salesman of the fifties and sixties? Then of course, we had the Life Assurance salesman of the seventies and eighties, followed more recently by the double-glazing salesman of the eighties and nineties. [...]
Office Politics 3 – Your CV bits and pieces
A professional reading your CV knows that because you have produced a document which is supposed to market you, there will be exaggerations and perhaps some downright lies. There is little harm in amplifying say, the importance and responsibilities of your previous job(s) but if you are going to lie about your qualifications, be careful. A few GCSEs here or there makes little difference because no-one ever checks. Just be careful when claiming a PhD or Nobel Prize or something that [...]
Office Politics 2 – Your CV hobbies
You can't wait until middle management to learn about office politics because they start NOW - on day one. In fact, even before that. Your CV is the beginning, so let us start with that. The CV is designed to show you in the best possible light. Your prospective employer sees it as a statement of fact but to you it is a marketing document - even a sales pitch. Either get the CV done professionally but certainly use a PC and a decent printer. No battered old Remingtons. White paper is best - [...]
Office Politics 1
You may be asking yourself whether it is fair that in the corporate jungle, your considerable education, integrity, knowledge and skills can count for less than factors such as your appearance, the way you speak and your general political acumen. It is not fair. However, while you are up there in the sunshine, swinging through the green canopy of the corporate forest towards the big tree of superstardom, you are being overtaken by slimeballs in the undergrowth who are far less able that you - [...]
Managent Training or Entertainment?
Training is like sex and driving. Everybody thinks that they can do it and most think that they are going to be good at it. Managing Directors do it, Sales Directors do it, Personnel Managers do it and even Accountants (!) do it. But do they know what they are doing? There seems to be a popular misconception that if you are "good on your feet" you are by definition going to be a good trainer. Not so. Training requires a whole raft of skills which is a great deal more that simply [...]
